Mommy Guilt

Recently I've had some discussions with my friend Leigh about "Mommy Guilt." I don't know many mothers that don't have some form of this, whether self-induced or inflicted by others, but in any case, it can make you feel like you suck. Not just being a mother, but as if your whole life is one, big failure. Leigh probably put it best when she said that when she hears these great stories from other moms, it often doesn't impress her so much as want to alienate these people for making her feel like less of a mom. And Leigh is a rockstar mom.

So let me come right out and address some issues and answer some apparently burning questions that I've heard over the course of my pregnancy and last 17 months as a mother:

*Yes, I realize I vaguely resemble an Oompa-Loompa. Short girls do not make cute, pregnant ones, especially when you crave mashed potatoes and cheesecake;
*Yes, I have lost all the baby weight, and no, it "Didn't just fall right off!" I worked my butt off to lose the weight, only for it to look like I really didn't because something people don't tell you is that your body never goes back to what it looked like pre-pregnancy;
*Yes, I had the epidural and no, I wouldn't take it back even knowing the nurse anaesthetist was going to goof the whole damn thing up. Even completely out of it, I was a much nicer person and a really happy new mom;
*Yes, I work and no, I don't think you are a better or worse mother because you don't. I admire you for staying home with your children because I know I am a better, more patient mom when I work. But, thanks for making me feel like crap because I believe it is important for Cooper to interact with other children and adults and for me and Jeff to make money to provide for Cooper;
*No, I didn't nurse Cooper, even though in your infinite wisdom, you say if I had stuck with it instead of pumping, it would have been better for Cooper. Better when? When he withered away because he wasn't getting fed or when I realized it wasn't about me anymore?;
*No, we did not follow Baby Wise. If that was your go-to book for how to get your child on a schedule, by all means, run with it. It didn't work for us and yes, we were the AWFUL parents who let Cooper cry it out;
*Yes, Cooper is up-to-date on all his shots and we do not worry about him being autistic. We've done the research just like you have and decided it would be okay to go with what our pediatrician and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends;
*Yes, my child is eating chicken nuggets, Chef Boyardee, hot dogs, and mac and cheese (insert other food item I pretty much swore I'd never feed him);
*Yes, he gets dessert if he eats well at lunch and dinner and no, it may not be organic or even considered healthy, although we do try to have it fall into one of those categories when it's possible;
*No, we don't shove politics and religion down our 17 month old's throat, though we do say prayers at night and will raise Cooper to be respectful of other's viewpoints. I'd rather my child be accepting of others than tell people how wrong they are for not voting a certain way or following a designated religion deemed better than another;
*No, I don't find it necessary to brag about my child's every move, regardless of how adorable I think it is because really, just because I think he's cute, doesn't mean everyone does;
*No, Cooper doesn't sit still long enough to watch Barney, Sesame Street, Elmo's World, Handy Manny, Phineas and Ferb, or any other show, so we refuse to buy tickets to the "LIVE!" versions when they come to town (rest assured, though, we will when he expresses an interest);
*Yes, that is Jimmy Buffett, Foo Fighters, Lady Gaga, Robert Earl Keen, Old Crow Medicine Show, The GLEE soundtrack, etc. playing in our car...with our child in it...who loves to dance around to anything with a beat. One day, when he's like Uncle Kyle and I were and knew the words to all Jimmy Buffett songs before Kindergarten, I'll worry about the possible language issue. Right now, I think it's great that Cooper loves music- all music- this much;
*Yes, we have been teaching Cooper sign language since he was 8 months old. No, it did not take off as well as we had hoped. Yes, I sometimes worry that we may have "stunted" his vocabulary, but it was something we felt was important.

So, there you have it. I feel better having gotten that off my chest, although it may seem harsh. Whether it is random people on the street, people trying to paint the picture of their perfect lives, or well-meaning relatives and friends, nothing is wrong with asking questions or showing concern, but please, we should do each other a favor and not ramble on about the dangers of autism when a new mom is already anxious about her baby's first shots, discuss how important it was to buy your child the entire "Amazon recommends..." list for Christmas and shake your head in disbelief because time-out is occasionally used. Being a parent, especially a mom, is tough enough without others making you feel terrible.